How I ended up as PAL grad..[TRIGGS]

Everybody has a story - and here's mine.

PAL. Do you know what it means? It is one of the best message boards I've ever been on. Would I wish anyone to have to become a member..never. But, in a weird blessing in disguise way...I'm glad I ended up there. Not only did I make a TON of friends, I learned to enjoy every day of my pregnany, to never take it for granted, to feel blessed everyday that I wake up an see my Piglet's smiling face. It taught me value, it taught me things I would've never learned on my own.

PAL...Pregnany After Loss.

That's right - it happened to me. A loss. I never thought it would, nobody else in my family had to go through it..but I did.

It all started like this...

December 2007...I turned 21...Partied a little too hard, and ended up Pregnant after being with my boyfriend for only a mere 6 months. I never thought it would happen, but it did. I found out around January 5th after my period being a week late. I honestly took the test only because I'm never late..but I didn't think I was pregnant. I wasn't even sick.

The line was SO faint that of course I questioned it, and thought "hmm. must be a false positive" but as I researched online - the chance of a false positive is more rare than a false negative. It was true - I was knocked up. I became obsessed, I tested at least 7 times and ended up bringing all the sticks to work to show the girls. [They told me I was pregnant becuase we are all on the same cycle and there's got all messed up because of me..haha] I even had Jojo [my boyfriend] pee in a cup so I could test his urine to see if it was possible to get a negative. Oh he def wasn't prego. Haha. I was only 21, not married and knocked up. Fear quickly engulfed my mind and I had no clue how I'd do it. I almost feel bad for feeling the way I did. I never, ever, even thought of an abortion..I just felt like I wasn't ready, but in reality I wasn't ready for what was ahead of me.

I went to the dr, did the blood test...HCG was high enough to see something, but for some reason on the Ultrasound - the joyous time turned crappy. The tech looked at me and said "are you sure you're almst 7 weeks??..becuase there should be more here than this.." I only measured about 5 weeks, if that. Of course I didn't think anything of it becuase I had NO clue when I acutally got KU. They quickly scheduled another blood reading of HCG (this measures the hormones in your blood) and scheduled another ultrasound.

I went back on Feb 14th...Yes V-day. WHO in their right mind would choose this day to go do this...I even bought a little frame that said "miracle" so I could put my new U/S pic of my bean in it...I never did use that frame til I got preg with Adriana. We both went to the ultrasound this time, and it was even worse. I only grew like 5 days in 2 1/2 weeks..The tech quickly turned the screen away from me and told me I'd have to speak to the dr after my appt. I knew it was bad news, I cried in the hallway as Jojo told me it'll be fine.. I knew otherwise. My dr. was an old man, who really didn't know how to explain this to me at all....my baby was not a baby, but a blighted ovum. The egg never developed, it only started to, then stopped. I never saw a fetal pole, I never saw a heartbeat...but I knew MY baby was there. I was heartbroken. I went into denial, I scheduled an alternate opinion @ the dr's office who delivered Adriana...same result - and I chose to get a D&C on Feb 29th (Leap Day) [don't you love how all my "event's" are holidays..?] Anyway - Feb28th @ like 3 am...I miscarried naturally.

I woke up at 3ish, with the worst period cramps of my life. I couldn't walk, I was doubled over in pain, but somehow made it to the bathroom. The rest happened there. I won't get into the details because it is a memory I don't ever want to relive. I ended up still going to the hossy in the morning to get checked out - I was there for 5 hours before my Dr. said I could go home that there wasn't any retained tissue. Thank God...but I was still devistated. I stayed in bed all weekend to recover and went into work Monday...and the rest is history.

I never tell this story to anyone - or at least in detail - becuase you never know how anyone will react. At that point - you really don't want any stupid comments anyway....so I've kept it only to myself, my closest friends, and certain family members....and most importantly the PAL ladies. Who without them, I'd probably have lost my mind.